Start 2 and lies about healthy food

So, it’s been a while.

About a month and a half to be exact.

Sorry about that, my life sort of got in the way.

In this eventful past month and a half I’ve finished my internship, graduated from college, and had a reception to celebrate my getting hitched in Vegas. I’ve also been super busy eating cinnamon rolls, wedding cake, mac n’ cheese, and Taco Bell, in addition to sitting around watching Law and Order :SVU on Netflix instead of exercising.

I’ve gained 7 pounds.

When I finally got on the scale and was honest with myself (no, I am THAT heavy, it’s not just because I haven’t pooped today) I cried and got a little depressed. I ate some coffee cake (some means the entire loaf of cheese Danish fatty cake) and cheesy bread dipped in garlic. I was cranky with my mom and my husband.

Then I stopped feeling sorry for myself and joined Weight Watchers. I also started working out again, even if it was only for 15 minutes during the day. After doing WW for a few days and realizing that my every day eating habits added up to nearly three times my daily points allowance, I went back to my diet books and magazines and brushed up on how to eat a healthy, balanced diet.

I now have a fridge stocked with fresh fruit, chicken, eggs, yogurt, and some other good stuff, along with a pantry of whole wheat bread, pasta, pancake mix and cereal. I also have a TON of frozen veggies in my freezer because that’s what works for me in the veggies department. I’ve also made a list below of lies perpetuated about “healthy” food.

1) Frozen grapes do NOT taste like dessert. EVER. If I want dessert, I’m going to have something with chocolate, caramel, coconut, butter, and possibly marshmallow fluff. I will also make sure that I budget for this dessert in my WW points, but I will not lie to myself and gush about how frozen grapes taste jut like ice cream bites. Bull. Shit.

2) If it says “organic” on it, it must be good for you. Lies. Yes, organic is good,but an organic double chocolate brownie is still a damn chocolate brownie, and in some cases might have even MORE fat carbs, calories etc., than a non-organic version. Therefore, read labels carefully and make decisions accordingly.

3) Spaghetti squash tastes just like real pasta. See number one. Same deal. It’s a squash masquerading as pasta, I am not convinced. I would rather portion out my pasta and mix it with a lot of veggies than play pretend with spaghetti squash. barf.

4) Anything which says “low-carb”, “low-fat”, “no sugar added” etc., is good for you. Now, this is sort of the same as number two, as in people need to start reading some damn labels. I am of the opinion that to eat healthy, I should be eating things which are as close to their natural state as possible. This even applies to desserts, so yes, my desserts are probably going to be more points than a “low-fat, low-carb packaged deal”, HOWEVER, I can also pronounce all the ingredients in my dessert and since I am also practicing portion control, I can indulge with doing damage to my points for the day. I like to know that I’m putting things in my body that are easy to recognize and process, not things full of chemicals and preservatives and fake sugar.

5) Exercise is fun. Ok, I know this isn’t about food, but it is about healthy lifestyle. I hate exercise. I used to get detention in middle school for refusing to participate in gym class, and in high school I took the option of 3 years of marching band as opposed to the one semester of gym class as required to fulfill PE credit. I hate running because I can a) feel my ass and thighs jiggling b) get out of breath after about 30 seconds c) my knees and ankles start to hurt and d) I can keep it up for about a minute to minute and a half before I feel like I’m going to die. I’m terrified of fitness classes, because I’m always the biggest one there, and the only one NOT wearing spandex with spandex. So, I walk a lot and I do work out tapes at home. I don’t love it, but I do love how I feel afterward, and I feel a week later, and a week after that, when my body feels stronger. But don’t you dare try to tell me how much fun exercise is. I’ll probably punch you square in the face, and the guy from the bar two years ago will tell you I’ve got a mean right hook.

Stats:

Height: 5′ 4″ Weight 174 Dress Size: 12

My job makes me fat (and cranky)

Guys…..

I had a cheesecake last night.

and a bucket of nacho cheese corn.

I was doing really well until I went into work. Then there’s all this delicious food, and I have superbad PMS (overshare, I know, deal with it).

Customers are just so mean and kind of dumb sometimes…which hurts my feelings, which makes me want to eat. Because eating will make me not feel hurt….NOT.

Eating will not solve any of my emotional issues, which I am aware of 90% of the time. The other 10% is when the consumption of junk happens.

The cheesecake didn’t even taste as good as I had fantatsized about, and I didn’t feel too hot after eating the nacho cheese corn. Things to think about.

Also, I clocked out at around midnight thirty and all I wanted was Taco Bell…at 12 30 at night. It didn’t happen. I went straight home and went to bed, which was good because I still felt like crap anyway after having the crap I had at work, my tummy was not a happy camper.

I hate getting out so late and being starving. You know why I’m hungry that late, because I’m supposed to be in bed SLEEPING and letting my body do its natural digestive thing. Not doing inventory at my minimum wage job.

I’m over it. I slept like a baby anyway and did a great ballet conditioning workout this morning so I feel pretty great.

Also I made a delicious breakfast.

That would be nutella, cream cheese, and strawberry stuffed french toast. with turkey bacon and some iced coffe.

In case you’re wondering I’ll probably be eating green things for the rest of the day.

Taco Bell has cocaine in it (and why I want to force-feed my husband lard)

I’m about 98% postive that Taco Bell puts cocaine in the food. It is the only fast food that I crave on a daily basis. Particularly the cheesy gordita crunches and the cheesy fiesta potatoes. I love cheese. I love beef. I love Taco Bell. I actually want to divorce my husband and marry a soft taco supreme…and have spicy cheesy babies with it.

Not really….

But its a thought.

I’ve only has Taco Bell once since we got back from our trip. It was at 1 a.m. on a friday morning. I just sat on the couch and watched Harry Potter and ate Taco Bell.

Then I felt like crap for two days.

I’m avoiding the cocaine.

In other news I love my husband….

but sometimes I want to force-feed him lard…or 10 sandwiches and a whole pie. either one could work.

He’s really skinny, even now, when he walks around the house all mopey because he feels fat….probably because I just fed him Mac n’ cheese and cake batter pancakes with cool whip for dinner.

whatever, he’ll live.

He’s also not fat, he’s just bigger than he used to be, probably because I keep finding recipes for things like s’mores french toast and homemade apple pop-tarts.

God I love food bloggers.

Happy weekend!

Sigh

Today I was cross with my husband. Not normal like “damn it you didn’t take the trash out” cross. Full on mean, nasty cross. All because 1) He was right and 2) I was in a super sensitive mood.

Let me back up with this. The husband and I are not rich people, I’m finishing up school and I work for a tiny bit over minimum wage about 20 hours a week. The husband has finished school and has recently given up a nice, cushy (read: well paid) job in Battle Creek to come here and live with me, because, you know, we’re married. So now he works for minimum wage at a job he is not particularly fond of. We both have student loans over our heads, car insurance, rent, utilities, groceries, and gee, you know it would be nice if we went on a date every once in a while.

Needless to say, money is tight and is probably going to continue to be until we recover from the money lost while we took our trip, and until my internship is done and I can get more hours. The husband does not like to live paycheck to paycheck, this is understandable, he’s a responsible guy. I’m still in college mode where my savings consists of the coin jar in my room and I’m lucky if I ever have a full tank of gas in my car. We have discussed these money issues and have them pretty well under control, however it’s coming up on the first of the month ( yay rent!) so I think we were both feeling a bit cranky.

I also spent two hours today trying on dresses for my wedding reception party thing…..which means I spent two hours in a bra and underwear underneath florescent lights in front of a full length mirror. I’m trying on dresses for a party which is in 3 weeks and as of last count has maybe 20 guests. It should go without saying that I’m mildly annoyed and depressed by this. It makes me feel like crap. It really isn’t that hard to write and email saying “yes, I’ll be attending” or “no, I’ll be busy washing my hair”. Whatever, I don’t care, I just want a damn head count. At this point I would even accept a Facebook message.

Soooooooo, Will got home from work and was first treated by a glimpse of me attempting to jam the rest of an onion and ketchup smothered chicken sausage into my mouth, and then assaulted by a verbal barrage of bitching and moaning. He tried to soothe me and and convince me to brush it off. I refused to have any part of it, and barreled on with my pity party. He tires of this (as he should) and reverts back to his usual honest self. I retaliate by giving him the silent treatment and storming off to do “housewife” things. I did the dishes, cleaned the counters, put away laundry, started another load of laundry, and scrubbed my bathtub.

I then left while he was sleeping on the couch (you know because he goes to work at an ungodly time in the morning and then stands on his feet for 8 hours…to support us…since I HAD to stay in Mount Pleasant with my job that pays crap…). I’m currently hiding out at Kaya with a cup of Lemon tea and a Pumpkin Spice cookie the size of my face. I feel really guilty….I should probably go back and apologize…..and make cake batter pancakes.

Having a smart, honest husband is a real pain in my ass sometimes.

Homemade Iced Coffe

I am like the millions of other 20-somethings ladies who has spent probably close to one million dollars on coffee from Starbucks, Biggby, and any other place that has overpriced lattes. I LOVE my coffe and I must have it in the morning or I am a cranky, non-productive bitch. I have done many things to try and spend less on coffe over the years. I have a frequency card at Biggby (buy 11, get the 12th free) and am a gold card member at Starbucks ( get postcards for free drinks when I accumulate points, I also get free add-ins like syrups and such, its nice).

None of these “money-saving” techniques really make a dent in my budget because the fact is I’m still spending $4 dollars A DAY on skinny iced vanilla lattes. This is unacceptable, also my husband has put his foot down and is asking (read: using his “I’m older than you and a man) that I change this habit. This coincided with me realizing that 75% of the purchases on my debit card were for coffee….and that I had $10 in my checking until I got paid.

SO, last night I started my adventuring into thrifty coffee. I brewed a pot last night, put it in a container, stuck it in the fridge, and went to bed. This morning I put ice in a cup and poured my coffee over it and added a bit of almond milk. WHY HAVEN’T I BEEN DOING THIS FOR THE PAST 5 YEARS? This stuff is a) delicious b) customizable and c) quick and cheap.

Needless to say, starbucks and biggby probably won’t be seeing much of my business anymore, except for buying coffee beans I’m sure they’ll survive.

Other than my iced coffee success this morning, I made it through 30 minutes of a Jillian Michaels cardio video and 40 minutes of pilates. I completely intended to shower and make some scrambled eggs after that, but I got sidetracked. I’ve spent an hour in my underwear looking at recipes online….this could become a problem.

I’m going to go eat my chocolate vitamuffin.

Then I promise I will shower, but I’ll probably still look at more recipes in my skivvies, I hate pants.

How do you celebrate without cake?

There is old episode of the TV show “Scrubs” in which Elliot (one of the doctors) is treating a patient who is a recovering drug addict, but also a transplant recipient. The transplant goes fantastically, and Elliot says to the patient “We should celebrate!” To which the man replies “How do you celebrate without heroin?” Elliot: “ummm, with cake!”

Now cake is obviously a wonderful celebratory alternative to heroin ( or any other drug for that matter), but with the ever-increasing focus on fitness and well-being, my question is “How do you celebrate without cake?”

Our lives are filled with momentous occassions that more often than not end up having some kind of tie-in with food. Weddings equal super amazing cake (don’t even try to lie and say you don’t like wedding cake) and some kind of delicous overabundance of comfort foods. A graduation means a party with all kinds of gooey desserts and salty appetizers. A promotion deserves a night out to eat complete with a sampler appetizer (mozzarella sticks, I don’t know whether I should kill or thank the person who invented these delicious nuggets of fat), a steak and potatoes entree, chased down by a deliciously melty chocolate dessert. Even friggin’ funerals are rife with gut-bomb homemade mac n’ cheese, a disturbing amount of potato dishes, and suspicious looking jell-o desserts.

I remember a time in my life when my only motivation to do something well, or to overacheive, or to try harder, was what kind of food I was going to reward myself with. I would bribe myself to study with the promise of pizza smothered in garlic sauce for a 2 a.m. snack. My reward for making it through a hard night of work was a trip through the Taco Bell drive-thru where my “usual” was two cheesy gordita crunches, a cheesy fiesta potato, and a soft taco supreme, topped off by a chocolate turnover from Arby’s. After this delightful heart attack of a meal I would go home and promptly pass out for the night, leaving my tummy swollen and confused. I would wonder why I felt so sick in the mornings, and just shrugged it off as stress or acid reflux.

When I made my realization several months ago about how I needed to change my habits in order to feel better and to enjoy my life to its fullest, one of the first things that became apparent was that I needed a new rewards system. I obviously couldn’t keep rewarding myself with food, especially not food which made me feel like I had consumed death in a bottle. I needed to find a new “cake”.

I looked up a TON of information about reward systems, negative and positive reinforcements, and feel-good tips in general. The common theme that I ran across was breaking the emotional connection with food as a feel good item or a depression stopper. Food is a fuel, essential for making your body run efficiently and appropriately, not a reward or a punishment.

I began to think about other things that brought me happiness; the time to read a book, a walk with my husband (then boyfriend), going to see a movie, reading my favorite magazines, getting a pedicure, finding a great dress. These were all things that could be incorporated into a rewards system for me, and all of it had NOTHING to do with stuffing my face.

That is how you celebrate without cake, you celebrate by doing nice things for yourself, by indulging in delicacies like sitting down and reading your favorite magazine, or simply sitting and enjoying the down time, you celebrate by making time for yourself and giving yourself the acknowledgement you deserve

Now there are times when food simply can’t be avoided, and as for those times I say enjoy in moderation. Don’t wolf down that slice of wedding cake, eat it slowly and savor all the delicious flavors, going out for a dinner to celebrate an accomplishment or good news doesn’t mean you can only have salad, it means you need to be smart. Perhaps you can skip the appetizer and split dessert? Maybe the appetizer is the only thing you really want, so you don’t need the entree?

Also, there are a few rare occasions when I think it is ok to indulge to your hearts content. Like birthdays. You can bet your ass that on my birthday I will be eating fried chicken, cheesy potatoes, and chocolate chip cheesecake to my heart’s content, unless Will takes me to Oy Amigo. In that case I will be eating soft tacos that have been swimming in butter, stuffed the most delicious blend of god-knows-what that I’m almost postive has been cooked with lard, washed down with an ice-cold Coke. Fuck. Yes.

We all need to have our cake (or taco) sometimes, just not everyday.

Cheesecake on a Stick

Let me begin this post by establishing two things.

Number one: I LOVE sweets, there have been times where I’ve come up with the most outrageous concoctions from the dregs of my kitchen just so I can have something delicious and extremely un-nutritious.

Number two: I work at a movie theater. This can sometimes be the coolest job ever (enthusiastic & polite customers, free movies, discounted food) or the most miserable thankless job on the planet  (think harassed mothers with 18 children, idiot customers who can’t be bothered to check showtimes for the CORRECT movie theater, mean & petty co-workers, discounted food).

You’ll notice I mentioned discounted food as both a positive and a negative, this is not a mistake, it’s actually the reason for my entire post.

Some people are in love with movie popcorn; I even have customers who come in 3-5 times a week and buy a bucket of popcorn to take it home with them, not to see a movie, not to ask if we are hiring, these people come in for the sole purpose of buying popcorn. From my standpoint, popcorn is ok, I personally prefer making popcorn at home and dressing it with a bit of olive oil, garlic, cumin, and a sprinkle of cheese., but I digress.

In addition the (apparently addicting) popcorn, the movie theater also offers an outstanding array of junk food. Jalepeno and cheese stuffed pretzels, sweet cream cheese stuffed pretzels, Cinnabon pretzels WITH icing, nachos with gooey cheese, hugenormous hot dogs, plus a plethora of candy and dessert items. Usually it’s the candy that gets me, I went through a three week phase where I’m pretty sure I ate a king size box of junior mints every other day. However, we’ve recently added a new item to our menu….

CHEESECAKE ON A STICK

Yeah, thats right, someone took one of the most delicious desserts ever and made it portable! WHAT THE HELL!? WHY in friggin’ blazes would you do that to dessert crazed females everywhere? Dibs are bad enough, in the cute little containers, all bite sized and such, you can take one of those bad boys anywhere (I wouldn’t recommend it though, seeing as how the container has 340 calories and a ridiculous amount of fat and sugar).

I LOVE cheesecake. When I was younger, my mom always let us pick what kind of cake we wanted for our birthday, and once I passed the age of 15, I always wanted chocolate chip cheesecake, and if someone let me, I’m pretty sure I could have eaten the whole thing in one sitting. So now we have these slices of heaven on a godamn stick just sitting in the freezer where I work…..and I can eat one for super cheap, and there’s no one around to see me do it.

Two weeks ago,I was super stressing out about inventory, and I was just having a down day in general and I at two of those suckers in the span of an hour. Being an emotional eater is a hard, hard habit to break. I felt sick to my stomach from all the sugar, and soooooo guilty, especially since I had been doing so well all day. I resolved to be more resolved in my future encounters with the cheesecakes.

So last night, I was doing inventory and I went to the freezer to count and there it was. The pile of cheesecakes on a stick, just begging to be eaten. I began to remember how delicious and smooth the chocolate coating was, how creamy and rich the cheesecake felt in my mouth, and just the touch of crumbly graham cracker around the edges. I wanted a cheesecake, I NEEDED a cheesecake, I felt like if I didn’t have that cheesecake RIGHTNOW, something awful and terrible would happen.

I shut the freezer door and got a cup of water. I began considering my options. I could eat the cheesecake, be determined not to feel guilty about it (i.e. it goes in my food tracker, and if Will asks if I ate anything bad I tell him the truth), I could not eat the cheesecake and turn into a crazy person as I thought about how much I wanted it, OR…. I could sneak it.

Yes, I could sneak the cheesecake. No one would know except me, and I could bury it in the back of my mind. I could lie to my husband. Then I began to think about WHY I was going through this thought process. I knew I didn’t want to lie to my husband (and couldn’t), I knew I wasn’t actually hungry ( I had just had my snack of a fresh peach and some crackers), and I knew (rationally) that nothing bad would happen if I didn’t have the cheesecake. In fact, I would probably feel WORSE if I snuck it.

At this point, I also remembered a chapter I read in a book (If you’re going to eat in front of the refrigerator, pull up a chair. By Geneen Roth). The chapter addressed the psychology behind sneaking food (or really any other habit). It boils down to this, if you sneak food, you are sneaking yourself. Which means you are so uncomfortable with yourself that you feel you have to hide parts of you from other people.

Was I really so uncomfortable in my own skin, that I was hiding myself from others?Using my food (and weight) as armor, to keep people out? The simple answer was yes. I’ve never been comfortable in my own skin and it is a continuous uphill battle to be nice to myself when I look in the mirror. I force myself to be nice to me instead of constantly beating myself up as I had spent years doing through high school and most of college (I’m so fat, ugly, incompetent, unmotivated, loser, dummy, look at that cellulite and double chin!)

Yeah, that crap does a number on your self-esteem, and that’s just me bullying myself! I realized several months ago that if I was ever going to maintain a healthy lifestyle (working out, eating healthy, etc) that I was going have to re-learn how to be nice to me. I have been blessed with a wonderful, adoring husband, who constantly reminds me how beautiful I am and how much he loves me for me. I take my cues from him, so now when I look at myself I say: Krista, look at your strong muscular legs, legs that carried you through a crazy ballet workout yesterday, and your lovely hips, which make you look so feminine and soft, what an enticing waist you have and you can wear all those funky belts and such, that many others can’t. Krista, what a beautiful, welcoming smile you have, and such deep, gorgeous eyes that shine with intelligence, kindness, and wit.

This is what I’m doing to retrain myself, to love me. Because when you love yourself, you’re much more likely to take the time to do nice things for you (like cook wholesome, nutritious foods, work out, etc), to make good choices (peaches instead of cheesecake), and simply be a delightful person to be around.

I’m not saying I never beat myself up, or have negative self talk, I’m only human.

But what I am saying is I never want to feel like I have to sneak food, and therefore myself, ever again.

Funny how much insight a seemingly insignificant piece of cheesecake can hold.

 

Baby steps

So, this is my first ever blog post (at least one that is done willingly and not with some college prof over my shoulder grading all my special bs). Today I just wanted to eat EVERYTHING!

Breakfast was super delicious and a two-parter! I got up early before my husband and had half a grapefruit and a slice of toast with almond butter (nummy almond butter). Then I made some fabulous pancakes and sauteed peaches out of the Carrots n’ Cake (www.carrotsncake.com)  book that I am super in love with and can’t stop re-reading. Hubby was up in time for pancakes , while he ate, I put my portion in the oven for after my workout.

Workout was A-mazing. I did the New York City Ballet workout 2 and holy yowzah does that just work every part of my body! It also makes me feel super strong and graceful, which is great since I’m actually a natural klutz  :) After the workout I got ready for my internship and started the business part of my day…complete with a skinny iced vanilla latte from Starbucks which I doctored up with vanilla protein powder!